three i's

I try to reveal alot of me to other people in general. It's a very difficult thing for me to do. I'm not very brave. I feel like there's no one who knows me very well, compared to me knowing myself.

Writing down honest things about my fixations is a way of trying to do this thing, to reach people, and it reflects how ambivalent I feel about really wanting them to hear this. Who could possibly want to hear this? People, maybe even friends, can if they want, I think. I put it out here for them. But it's completely up to them whether they want to trouble themselves to suffer through the distasteful displays of internalized oppression that I want to think through.

Isolation, invisibility, insignificance. The three i's which move my life in weaker moments. Am I really any of these three? Can you help me see that I am not? No one has before, not completely, not definitively. So I find myself seemingly alone when faced with them. And feeling weak I do what any reasonable person does when faced with scary monsters. I run like hell.

I have not yet escaped.

But I love putting these words together and the sound they make of something very meaningful. Metaphor, rhythm, good spelling. I really am hoping these are the only parts you will actually notice.

Your best response, which I don't expect or hope from you, is to be delighted with me for what good I do, what good I am, how hard I try.

And when someone shows me that, it's all I ever want to hear from anyone forever.